yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
