Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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