Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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