First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think my vagina is haunted
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
