i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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