So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
