So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
