I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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