It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
