Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
