guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
