I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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