Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
