now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
