My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
