Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
