If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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