we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
God, I missed his penis.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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