bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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