our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
