His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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