Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize