I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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