You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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