They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
