she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
our cab driver is having phone sex.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
