Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hippo gnu deer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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