Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
