yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
