nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
