I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
