actually, I'm a sock model
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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