he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
