Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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