I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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