I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
