Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's rum buckets o'clock
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
