I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
