I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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