can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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