ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I smell stomach acid.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
