I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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