i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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