My sheets look like a crime scene.
Your dad touched me again.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
