I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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