Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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