i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
