3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
