im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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