I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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