I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
