I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
