If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
