How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
