this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
