I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
