ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
