i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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