Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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