NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
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If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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