My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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