I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
