I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
