I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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