I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
