nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
smell my finger.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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